Washington Post Style Invitational Week #806

This week's challenge is to submit a phrase or sentence that would nip a potential relationship in the bud (or elsewhere).

For more information on entering, go to The Washingtonpost Post website. (The graphic is by Bob Staake for The Washington Post.)

Here are some of my entries:

I just happen to think Barry Manilow is the greatest singer ever.

I assume they are real or else they'd be bigger.

Do you want to see my anal warts?

Before we get too far, I just want to let you know that if we have kids, there is a good chance they will have webbed toes and only a small chance they would have gills.

The Washington Post Style Invitational Week 805

Below is the challenge from The Washington Post's "Style Invitational." Each week, the Post has a contest of it's readers' wits. This is this week's contest.

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By the Empress

(Graphic by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

1. A bad name for a new beauty product.
2. A bad name for a new Web site.
3. A bad name for a new candy bar.
4. A bad name for a new college.
5. A bad name for a new fast-food restaurant.

This week: Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). It's easy to write entries for a contest like this -- writing good entries is another story -- and when we did the same contest 11 years ago with different categories, we got a reported 40,000 entries. That's too many for one Empress to judge. So: No more than 10 entries per category. If you send more, we'll just stop reading after the 10th.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage roll of toilet paper with pictures of Jimmy Carter on it, courtesy of the otherwise courteous and dignified Loser Beverley Sharp.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week.

Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 2. Put "Week 805" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published [in the Washington Post] March 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.

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Below are my submissions to this contest.

A bad name for a new beauty product: Ernest Borgnine Scented Face Mask Cream

A bad name for a new candy bar: Tiger's Wood

A bad name for a new candy bar: Candy Corn Holes

A bad name for new college: The Ann Coulter Charm School

30 Years Ago in Music -- YMCA

30 years ago I was a senior in high school and this song got to Number 2 on the US music charts and Number 1 in the UK. Who wouldn't love these boys sashaying around?

Forcing Springtime

If you are familiar with this blog, you may have noticed a couple of previous postings about a bunch of sticks I placed in a vase on Valentine's Day. A few days ago, I updated their progress as they began to bud. Now, they are in full bloom. I just think it is cool to force a bit of springtime in the dead of winter.

The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest # 182

This is the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest cartoon for this week. My caption for this cartoon is below:

"We perfer the term conjoined rather than Siamese."

Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.

Hell Week Begins!

As many of you know, I work for a government agency that shall remain nameless, but this week I'm in a class that everyone at my grade level (at this agency) is required to take. This is a class in learning how to develop processes. We're suppose to be networking with the 50 other students and learning about conflicts and validation and lots of other horse shit that I'd rather suffer physical pain than do.

It is unbelievable to me that tax dollars are going to teach these people how to do something they should already know. One of the exercises today involved the instructor (or facilitator) standing in the room and he represented a conflict with your boss. Then we were suppose to position ourselves in the room where we wanted to deal with this conflict. He asked the people standing nearby him why they were standing there. They wanted to deal with conflict head on and confront it. Some people stood far away because they didn't want to deal with conflict.

We had to interview the person next to us and introduce him or her to the class. The person beside me told me he was a cancer survivor. I felt like saying, "you survived cancer to have to sit through this?" You may think I'm over-reacting, but I truly hate doing this kind of crap, especially since it has absolutely nothing to do with my job. I don't develop processes. I just happen to be at the same grade level as these middle managers. If I did develop processes, I surely wouldn't follow this crazy-ass method to develop my process.

Things look like they are only going to get worse as the week goes on. Thankfully, it is only a 4 day class and I have Friday off. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days.

100 Facts About Me -- Week 8

This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. This list is kind of dull, but how many exciting facts can one person have? I'm trying to save a few for the end.

The false item from last week was #7. My high school did not have a talent show, and I was never the ventriloquist dummy in any skit.

Here's the eighth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:

1. My best friend in school from the 7th through the 9th grade moved away and I have never seen him or had contact with him since.

2. I get 208 hours of vacation time each year -- about 5 weeks and 1 day -- and I get every other Friday off (because I work 9 hour days).

3. When I talk to someone I don't know on the phone, they often assume I'm a woman.

4. I have been complimented on my blue eyes.

5. I once stood in line to get the autograph of Grandpa Jones, star of TV's Hee Haw.

6. Our rowhouse in DC is more than 100 years old. It was built in 1905.

7. I can type more than 80 words a minute.

8. The first show I ever saw on Broadway was The Magic Show, which featured the magic of Doug Henning and was written by Stephen Schwartz, who later wrote Wicked.

9. The last show I saw on Broadway, as of this date, was a play called August: Osage County.

10. My minimum retirement age is 56, which means I can retire from my job and draw a pension starting August 3, 2017 -- less than 8 years and 6 months.

11. I have dated someone from Africa.

DVD Recorder/VCR Installed

Last week I bought a DVD Recorder/VCR because I have lots of home
movies on VHS tape that I want to put on DVD. I can't tell you how
many hours I've spent trying to connect the damn thing to our TV. The
main problem is that the way our TV is mounted to the wall, I can't
access the back of the TV. It has been VERY frustrating. I was very
close to packing the whole mess up and taking it back. Today,
however, I finally figured it out. Praise Jesus!

Forcing Forsythia -- Not Just a Bunch of Sticks

My forsythia sticks are starting to bud.  When I first put these in a vase, they didn't look like much more than a bunch of sticks.  In a short time, they will be blooming like springtime.

 

The Credit Crisis Explained

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

All Time Presidential Rankings C-Span 2009 - Bush Isn't the Worst?

John and Yoko on the Mike Douglas Show 1972

This is one of the most surreal videos I have ever seen. Mike Douglas has the audacity to sing Michelle to open the show like only he (or Merv Griffin) could sing it. If you look up the definition of train wreck in the dictionary, this is the clip to which they refer you. I love that John and Yoko announce the list of guest at beginning of the show, including Louie Nye. It is also interesting when they talk about having Ralph Nader on and how it would be great if he ran for political office. I find this whole thing beyond bizarre.

#1 Song from 25 Years Ago -- February 18, 1984

The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest #181

Here's another try at the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest for this week.

My caption for this cartoon is below:

"With the current stimulus package, we can only build the infrastructure."

Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.

100 Facts About Me -- Week 7

This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. I had been offering a fabulous prize if you guessed correctly, but I feel that has soiled the 100 Facts About Me concept -- somehow made it dirty and bad. I apologize for making this wholesome and beautiful thing into something trite and disgusting.

Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. The false item from last week was #5. I never jumped off a roof using a bed sheet as a parachute. The other 10 items I listed were true.

Here's the seventh list of 10 facts and one non-fact:

1. My favorite ice cream flavor is Baskin-Robbins German Chocolate Cake.

2. I once owned a dark green Mazda Miata. Someone crashed into the back of it one day when I was stopped.

3. At one time, I had more than $14,000 in credit card debt. I now pay off my full balance each month.

4. I currently do not own a car. Our Honda CRV is owned by Shane.

5. At work, I have an interior office with no windows. However, I do have a TV.

6. I once stabbed myself in the leg with a hunting arrow.

7. I performed in my high school talent show doing a ventriloquism act -- I was the dummy.

8. I'm currently 20 years older than the age my father lived to be.

9. I used to have two cats -- one named Lucy and and the other named Ethel.

10. The first major I declared in college was Accounting.

11. I was in the 4-H. My projects included photography and dog obedience.

Happy Presidents Day!

Hope you have the day off tomorrow. If so, enjoy!

Not Just Sticks

They may look like just a bunch of sticks, but I'm actually forcing
some forsythia (try saying that without lisping). The plan is that
they will bloom in a few days. I cut them from a bush in my mom's
backyard.

Mama's Tattoo Is a Choo Choo

Bugaboo Ambiance

Bugaboo Hubabaloo

I came up to my mom's for the day and my sister and I took her out to
eat. She wanted to go here for some reason. We called ahead for
their call ahead seating. They said there was no wait, which I
thought was surprising for a Friday night. When we got there, about
30 minutes later, they said the wait was 45-50 minutes.

We waited and got seated in about 30 minutes. The place was loud,
crowded, and tacky. I was trying to be a vegetarian, but the have no
meatless items on the menu. I had salmon. It was pretty good.