Unless you're selling chalk, we don't need any.This is the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest cartoon for this week. My caption for this cartoon is above. Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.
This Blog is Over
Tuesday, March 10
Monday, March 9
100 Facts About Me -- The Complete List!
For the past few months (starting January 5), I've been slowly posting the 100 Facts About Me, 10 Facts at a time and with a few lies thrown in for fun. Interestingly, nobody ever correctly guessed which of the made-up facts were lies. The lie from last week was number 10. I have never gone to a psychic.
The following is the complete list of the 100 facts about me. They are all true. The last 10 (#91-100) are new to the blog. In the future, I will expand on the story behind some of these facts.
1. I was born in New Jersey. (I moved to Maryland as a baby.)
2. My father died when I was 1 year old in a skydiving accident (where he drowned).
3. I've run 3 marathons (so far).
4. I can name all 50 States in alphabetical order in less than 30 seconds. See the video here.
5. I killed a deer with a bow and arrow (mostly the arrow).
6. I was a vegetarian for several years (and I am again since February 1).
7. I successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on my dog.
8. I've worked for the Government for more than 24 years in five different jobs.
9. I've been interviewed on live TV as a Government agency spokesperson.
10. Because I'm deathly afraid of public speaking, I took my present Government job to avoid having to do live TV interviews.
11. A mouse ran up the inside of my pants.
12. I have swallowed Clorox bleach.
13. I had to go to the emergency room once after a run-in with a rooster.
14. I've had plastic surgery.
15. As a child, I played with matches and set a forest on fire.
16. I can juggle.
17. Shane moved in with me, moving from Connecticut to the DC area, less than 4 months after our first date.
18. My best friend in high school got amnesia and didn't know me.
19. At one time, I knew all the words to both Evita and Jesus Christ Superstar.
20. I have never smoked marijuana.
21. When I was a supervisor at a previous job, I had one of my employees arrested after I discovered he was exposing himself to little girls.
22. I have been diagnosed with a heart murmur.
23. As a child, I underwent a medical procedure several times that used radium-tipped rods -- the size of knitting needles -- stuck up my nostrils, which were supposed to shrink my adenoids.
24. My neighbor Kirby and I caused my sister's arm to get broken.
25. I am a certified SCUBA diver and have seen sharks in open water while diving.
26. I have shaken the hands of both President Clinton and Vice President Gore
27. I sang tenor in my church choir.
28. I have walked on the Great Wall of China.
29. I've been a member of both a volleyball league and a bowling league.
30. I am a Community College graduate.
31. I've had pet gerbils.
32. I took tap dancing lessons, and danced in front of hundreds of people.
33. I've written a country music song.
34. Shane and I own about 5 acres of land in Maine, where we plan to eventually build a house and retire.
35. I have skied at ski resorts in Maine, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and New Mexico.
36. The first real concert I ever saw was REO Speedwagon, and I had won the tickets from a radio station. Survivor was the opening act.
37. I ran my first marathon in 1998 to raise money for AIDS charities and received just under $4,000 in contributions.
38. I did an internship during my last semester in college with the Baltimore News American and I wrote two front-page stories. The paper went out of business shortly thereafter.
39. I helped digitize maps used in the first Gulf War.
40. I buried a man in a cemetery while his young son watched.
41. I played the trombone in my elementary school band.
42. I was in my high school senior class play about a train wreck (that was indeed a train wreck).
43. I got a C in Chorus class in high school because, according to my teacher, my voice was changing.
44. On the night of my senior prom, I had a job babysitting.
45. I was very disappointed with the x-ray glasses I sent away for from the back of a comic book.
46. I was not aware of the concept of homosexuality until I was 11 when I saw a TV news story on the subject, which I thought was hilarious.
47. I've taught classes at my church's vacation bible school.
48. I had to go to the emergency room once with what I thought a an appendicitis attack, but it turned out to be kidney stones.
49. I'm a grocery checker school graduate.
50. I lettered in tennis at college.
51. My little finger on my right hand is shorter than my other pinky, and it has hair growing on the palm side (feel free to throw up).
52. I met Shane online.
53. I had the mumps.
54. I've sold seeds door-to-door.
55. I have college credit in Bowling.
56. A former babysitter of mine got a bit of a crush on me when I became of age, but while I was still living at home with my mother. She threw pebbles at my bedroom window so I'd meet her in the backyard late one night. It didn't really work out for her.
57. Shane and I have traveled to the Union of Myanmar (Burma).
58. While in elementary school, I had to go to a speech therapist to help correct my lisp.
59. I've taught a class in candlemaking.
60. I bite my nails.
61. My favorite ice cream flavor is Baskin-Robbins German Chocolate Cake.
62. I once owned a dark green Mazda Miata. Someone crashed into the back of it one day when I was stopped.
63. At one time, I had more than $14,000 in credit card debt. I now pay off my full balance each month.
64. I currently do not own a car. Our Honda CRV is owned by Shane.
65. At work, I have an interior office with no windows. However, I do have a TV.
66. I once stabbed myself in the leg with a hunting arrow.
67. I'm currently 20 years older than the age my father lived to be.
68. I used to have two cats -- one named Lucy and and the other named Ethel.
69. The first major I declared in college was Accounting.
70. I was in the 4-H. My projects included photography and dog obedience.
71. My best friend in school from the 7th through the 9th grade moved away and I have never seen him or had contact with him since.
72. I get 208 hours of vacation time each year -- about 5 weeks and 1 day -- and I get every other Friday off (because I work 9 hour days).
73. When I talk to someone I don't know on the phone, they often assume I'm a woman.
74. I have been complimented on my blue eyes.
75. I once stood in line to get the autograph of Grandpa Jones, star of TV's Hee Haw.
76. Our rowhouse in DC is more than 100 years old. It was built in 1905.
77. The first show I ever saw on Broadway was The Magic Show, which featured the magic of Doug Henning and was written by Stephen Schwartz, who later wrote Wicked, which I also saw.
78. The last show I saw on Broadway, as of this date, was a play called August: Osage County.
79. My minimum retirement age is 56, which means I can retire from my job and draw a pension starting August 3, 2017 -- in less than 8 years and 6 months.
80. I have dated someone from Africa.
81. I received many severe sunburns as a child.
82. As a child, my brother had to take me inside the house when we were camping in our backyard because I was upset that the moon was falling.
83. I sold rocks door to door.
84. I once gave my mother the following hint about a gift all her children, including me, had gone together to buy her: "You cook toast in it."
85. I have gone white water rafting on class 5 rapids in West Virginia.
86. I did not fly on a commercial airline until after I graduated from college and had to go on a business trip while working for the Government.
87. As of this date, I have been to 30 States, though Shane doesn't think I should count Texas since I was only at the airport. I think if you went to the bathroom in a State, it should count.
88. Shane's and my first date was at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum.
89. My best time on BrainTuner is 13.0069 seconds. It is a game on the iPhone that the object is to indicate whether 20 math equations are true or false. My goal in life now is to get a time under 13 seconds.
90. I've worked in construction, building houses and putting shingles on roofs. I helped build the house my brother lives in.
91. I have triplet nieces. Shane and I took them (and their mother who is my sister) to London, Paris, and Amsterdam for the triplets' high school graduation present. They are currently attending their first year of college.
92. I am quite pee shy. I have to do math problems in my head to urinate in a public restroom when others are around.
93. I love Shane, even though he does not read my blog.
94. Since the day I met Shane, I have been monogomous.
95. I took piano lessons for several years as a teenager. We now own a player piano.
96. I was closeted until I was 34 years old. I came out to my mother by handing her a letter and watching her read it. She said she was surprised, but wanted me to be happy.
97. I have been to a nude beach.
98. On July 20, 1969, I got into trouble just prior to the televised broadcast of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. I was sent to my room and didn't get to watch it.
99. I have secrets that I'm not telling here.
100. Though there was a time I never thought it was going to be possible, I'm happy with my life.
The following is the complete list of the 100 facts about me. They are all true. The last 10 (#91-100) are new to the blog. In the future, I will expand on the story behind some of these facts.
1. I was born in New Jersey. (I moved to Maryland as a baby.)
2. My father died when I was 1 year old in a skydiving accident (where he drowned).
3. I've run 3 marathons (so far).
4. I can name all 50 States in alphabetical order in less than 30 seconds. See the video here.
5. I killed a deer with a bow and arrow (mostly the arrow).
6. I was a vegetarian for several years (and I am again since February 1).
7. I successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on my dog.
8. I've worked for the Government for more than 24 years in five different jobs.
9. I've been interviewed on live TV as a Government agency spokesperson.
10. Because I'm deathly afraid of public speaking, I took my present Government job to avoid having to do live TV interviews.
11. A mouse ran up the inside of my pants.
12. I have swallowed Clorox bleach.
13. I had to go to the emergency room once after a run-in with a rooster.
14. I've had plastic surgery.
15. As a child, I played with matches and set a forest on fire.
16. I can juggle.
17. Shane moved in with me, moving from Connecticut to the DC area, less than 4 months after our first date.
18. My best friend in high school got amnesia and didn't know me.
19. At one time, I knew all the words to both Evita and Jesus Christ Superstar.
20. I have never smoked marijuana.
21. When I was a supervisor at a previous job, I had one of my employees arrested after I discovered he was exposing himself to little girls.
22. I have been diagnosed with a heart murmur.
23. As a child, I underwent a medical procedure several times that used radium-tipped rods -- the size of knitting needles -- stuck up my nostrils, which were supposed to shrink my adenoids.
24. My neighbor Kirby and I caused my sister's arm to get broken.
25. I am a certified SCUBA diver and have seen sharks in open water while diving.
26. I have shaken the hands of both President Clinton and Vice President Gore
27. I sang tenor in my church choir.
28. I have walked on the Great Wall of China.
29. I've been a member of both a volleyball league and a bowling league.
30. I am a Community College graduate.
31. I've had pet gerbils.
32. I took tap dancing lessons, and danced in front of hundreds of people.
33. I've written a country music song.
34. Shane and I own about 5 acres of land in Maine, where we plan to eventually build a house and retire.
35. I have skied at ski resorts in Maine, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and New Mexico.
36. The first real concert I ever saw was REO Speedwagon, and I had won the tickets from a radio station. Survivor was the opening act.
37. I ran my first marathon in 1998 to raise money for AIDS charities and received just under $4,000 in contributions.
38. I did an internship during my last semester in college with the Baltimore News American and I wrote two front-page stories. The paper went out of business shortly thereafter.
39. I helped digitize maps used in the first Gulf War.
40. I buried a man in a cemetery while his young son watched.
41. I played the trombone in my elementary school band.
42. I was in my high school senior class play about a train wreck (that was indeed a train wreck).
43. I got a C in Chorus class in high school because, according to my teacher, my voice was changing.
44. On the night of my senior prom, I had a job babysitting.
45. I was very disappointed with the x-ray glasses I sent away for from the back of a comic book.
46. I was not aware of the concept of homosexuality until I was 11 when I saw a TV news story on the subject, which I thought was hilarious.
47. I've taught classes at my church's vacation bible school.
48. I had to go to the emergency room once with what I thought a an appendicitis attack, but it turned out to be kidney stones.
49. I'm a grocery checker school graduate.
50. I lettered in tennis at college.
51. My little finger on my right hand is shorter than my other pinky, and it has hair growing on the palm side (feel free to throw up).
52. I met Shane online.
53. I had the mumps.
54. I've sold seeds door-to-door.
55. I have college credit in Bowling.
56. A former babysitter of mine got a bit of a crush on me when I became of age, but while I was still living at home with my mother. She threw pebbles at my bedroom window so I'd meet her in the backyard late one night. It didn't really work out for her.
57. Shane and I have traveled to the Union of Myanmar (Burma).
58. While in elementary school, I had to go to a speech therapist to help correct my lisp.
59. I've taught a class in candlemaking.
60. I bite my nails.
61. My favorite ice cream flavor is Baskin-Robbins German Chocolate Cake.
62. I once owned a dark green Mazda Miata. Someone crashed into the back of it one day when I was stopped.
63. At one time, I had more than $14,000 in credit card debt. I now pay off my full balance each month.
64. I currently do not own a car. Our Honda CRV is owned by Shane.
65. At work, I have an interior office with no windows. However, I do have a TV.
66. I once stabbed myself in the leg with a hunting arrow.
67. I'm currently 20 years older than the age my father lived to be.
68. I used to have two cats -- one named Lucy and and the other named Ethel.
69. The first major I declared in college was Accounting.
70. I was in the 4-H. My projects included photography and dog obedience.
71. My best friend in school from the 7th through the 9th grade moved away and I have never seen him or had contact with him since.
72. I get 208 hours of vacation time each year -- about 5 weeks and 1 day -- and I get every other Friday off (because I work 9 hour days).
73. When I talk to someone I don't know on the phone, they often assume I'm a woman.
74. I have been complimented on my blue eyes.
75. I once stood in line to get the autograph of Grandpa Jones, star of TV's Hee Haw.
76. Our rowhouse in DC is more than 100 years old. It was built in 1905.
77. The first show I ever saw on Broadway was The Magic Show, which featured the magic of Doug Henning and was written by Stephen Schwartz, who later wrote Wicked, which I also saw.
78. The last show I saw on Broadway, as of this date, was a play called August: Osage County.
79. My minimum retirement age is 56, which means I can retire from my job and draw a pension starting August 3, 2017 -- in less than 8 years and 6 months.
80. I have dated someone from Africa.
81. I received many severe sunburns as a child.
82. As a child, my brother had to take me inside the house when we were camping in our backyard because I was upset that the moon was falling.
83. I sold rocks door to door.
84. I once gave my mother the following hint about a gift all her children, including me, had gone together to buy her: "You cook toast in it."
85. I have gone white water rafting on class 5 rapids in West Virginia.
86. I did not fly on a commercial airline until after I graduated from college and had to go on a business trip while working for the Government.
87. As of this date, I have been to 30 States, though Shane doesn't think I should count Texas since I was only at the airport. I think if you went to the bathroom in a State, it should count.
88. Shane's and my first date was at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum.
89. My best time on BrainTuner is 13.0069 seconds. It is a game on the iPhone that the object is to indicate whether 20 math equations are true or false. My goal in life now is to get a time under 13 seconds.
90. I've worked in construction, building houses and putting shingles on roofs. I helped build the house my brother lives in.
91. I have triplet nieces. Shane and I took them (and their mother who is my sister) to London, Paris, and Amsterdam for the triplets' high school graduation present. They are currently attending their first year of college.
92. I am quite pee shy. I have to do math problems in my head to urinate in a public restroom when others are around.
93. I love Shane, even though he does not read my blog.
94. Since the day I met Shane, I have been monogomous.
95. I took piano lessons for several years as a teenager. We now own a player piano.
96. I was closeted until I was 34 years old. I came out to my mother by handing her a letter and watching her read it. She said she was surprised, but wanted me to be happy.
97. I have been to a nude beach.
98. On July 20, 1969, I got into trouble just prior to the televised broadcast of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. I was sent to my room and didn't get to watch it.
99. I have secrets that I'm not telling here.
100. Though there was a time I never thought it was going to be possible, I'm happy with my life.
Sunday, March 8
Style Invitational Week 807 -- Pretty Graphic Expressions
This week's Washington Post Style Invitational is based on Craig Damrauer's Web site http://morenewmath.com/, which is a compilation of thoughts expressed in the form of a mathematical equation, as in the ones by Craig in Bob Staake's cartoon. This week: Express some insight as an equation or other mathematical expression. For more information, click on the Post link above to go to the contest.
Saturday, March 7
100 Facts About Me -- Naming All 50 States in Under 30 Seconds
In the first list I posted of the 100 Facts About Me, I said that I could name all 50 States in alphabetical order in under 30 seconds. This video is the proof. On Monday, I'm posting the complete list of the 100 Facts. Try to look interested.
Friday, March 6
Didn't This Guy See The Crying Game?
From the Washington Blade:----------------------------
Police were called Feb. 19 at 2 a.m. to the 4100 block of 14th Street, N.W., to respond to a reported prostitution-related complaint. A man told police that he had visited “a known house of prostitution, where he engaged in consensual sex acts with a member of the transgender community” in exchange for money. The man told police that when he learned the person was “a biological male,” he demanded his money back. When the “service provider” refused, the man called police. No report was taken, but members of the Metropolitan Police Department’s Prostitution Enforcement Unit were to investigate.
----------------------------------------
He called the police?
Prop 8 Hearing -- Prospects Looking Bleak
Photo: Jim Wilson/The New York Times -- taken outside of the Prop 8 hearing held on Thursday.Several ardent -- and outnumbered -- opponents of same-sex marriage held signs with messages like "Gay = Pervert" and "A Moral Wrong Can't be a Civil Right."
Indications are that Prop 8 will succeed and the civil rights of gay married couples in California will go away. I find this trend of backwards progress very depressing. There are some victories (Connecticut for example), but there are many more defeats.
As a community, gay men and women need to organize and step up the protests. I'm ashamed at how little I have done myself. This is our lives and we can not let this happen. We need to fight this tooth and nail. I've always been the one that thought our rights would come in time, but I'm starting to wonder. There is an amazing amount of disgust aimed at gay people. We have to say enough and not allow it to happen.
Thursday, March 5
Help Mitchell Get the Best Job in the World -- VOTE!
You could help Mitchell get the Best Job in the World -- working for Tourism Queensland (Australia) as a blogger on the Great Barrier Reef.
In addition to the 10 candidates selected by Tourism Queensland, they're giving the world a chance to have its say. The most popular short-listed candidate will receive a Wild Card to interview for the Best Job in the World. So, vote for Mitchell. You can vote once every 24 hours until March 24. He is currently third out of 50 candidates.
To vote and for more information, go to
http://www.islandreefjob.com/#/most-votes
Springtime Around the Corner
As I was walking to the subway this morning, I noticed these daffodils
starting to emerge through this week's snow. I then looked up the
weather in DC on my iPhone and saw that it is supposed to get up in
the 70s this weekend. I am looking forward to running outside again!
Wednesday, March 4
Obama Nominates Openly Gay Man to Be OPM Director
The article below is from http://www.govexec.com/. The full artilce can be found here.
by Alyssa Rosenberg arosenberg@govexec.com March 3, 2009
President Obama on Tuesday nominated John Berry, currently the director of the National Zoo, to lead the Office of Personnel Management.
"From turning around the National Zoo to fostering a more productive work environment at the Department of the Interior, John Berry has a tremendous record of effective management in key public service roles," Obama said. "I'm confident that he will provide that same leadership at OPM to help ensure that government works for the American people the way it should."
Berry has a long history in federal workforce and management issues. He served as legislative director to House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Md., for 10 years.
Berry is also known as an advocate for gay and lesbian federal employees. According to the Human Rights Campaign, if confirmed, he will be the highest-ranking openly gay official to serve in the executive branch in any administration.
During his time at Interior, Berry worked to create a grievance procedure for employees who experience discrimination because of their sexual orientation, expand relocation benefits and counseling services to the domestic partners of employees, establish a liaison to gay and lesbian workers, and eliminate discriminatory provisions of the National Park Service's law enforcement standards -- including a ban on security clearances for gay and lesbian employees.
Under President Bush, OPM opposed allowing the domestic partners of federal employees to receive health and retirement benefits available to heterosexual married couples. OPM argued in a 2008 congressional hearing that extending partner benefits was too risky because gay and lesbian federal employees might commit fraud to get them.
Leonard Hirsch, international liaison at the Smithsonian Institution and president of Federal GLOBE, which represents gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender government employees, said in a January interview with Government Executive that he thought Berry would reverse OPM's benefits policy.
My New Apple Product -- Running With Blue Shuffle
Yesterday, my friend Archer, from Archer Radio, bought a brand new 24" iMac with the 3.06 GHz processor, 4 gig of ram, and a 1 TB hard drive (TB? Does that mean it has a cough?). Not to be outdone, I also purchased an Apple product yesterday too. Don't be jealous Archer. I bought my fourth iPod Shuffle! In case anyone is keeping score, I lost one of the previous three and the other two got ruined in the washer. This is my first blue one and my first 1 gig. I had always purshased the 2 gigs previously, but since it will just get lost or ruined in the wash soon, I thought the smaller one would be fine.
I was thinking that I could live without a Shuffle and just use my iPhone for a iPod. I quickly learned that wasn't such a good idea. I was running on the treadmill yesterday, listening to my running songs, when my arm got tangled in the headphone and I knocked my iPhone off the top of the treadmill, down onto the belt and then it got thrown to the floor. I jumped off the treadmill and was relieved to find that it still worked. However, when I started running again, the music on the iPhone would suddenly stop and start. It seems to be working OK now, but that was freaking me out. Anyway, I thought running with the iPhone wasn't such a good idea, and went out and got another Shuffle.
My Band's Album Cover
I'm blatantly stealing this from QCast Connection's blog, Digital Meatloaf, who stole it from Idol Eyes and a Dormy, who in turn stole it from Bobby's Blog, who stole it from god knows, but here goes:
What would your own album look like if you were in a band?
Follow the directions below and find out…Here are the rules:
1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Quotations Page and select “random quotations”or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 - Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together.
OK... so I cheated a little. I did find these randomly, but not on my first try -- more like my fourth or fifth. So sue me. Interestingly, Homeosis is the transformation of one body part into another. I thought it sounded like a gay Christian rock group. The album title sounds a bit pedophilia-like, especially when paired with that photo. Yuck.
Tuesday, March 3
New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest #183
This is the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest cartoon for this week. My caption for this cartoon is below:
"That's a relief. For a second, I thought that was my husband's car."
Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.
Monday, March 2
Don't Treadmill on Me
This is me on the treadmill at the gym at work -- sorry for the blurriness; it isn't easy taking a photo of yourself while running on a treadmill. It has been more than 2 weeks since I've been on the contraption -- before Valentine's Day. I got a cold and just didn't have the energy to go to the gym. Then I was at that class last week, which resulted in me eating sweets galore. How can I not eat free desserts? This past weekend, we had Archer and the Boyfriend over and out to eat. Believe me, there was lots of food and wine consumed. Today was the first day back at the gym.
I weighed myself for the first time in several weeks. It wasn't as bad as I feared. I had only gained 3 pounds -- I weighed in at 183 pounds.
I have been eating so badly, that I decided that I should fast today. All I've had all day is water. I've stuck to the vegetarianism throughout the month of February. The only meat I had was salmon when I went out to a restaurant on two occasions.
Starting today, I'm cutting out the sweets (no more of the apple pie) and I'm going to try to keep up the exercise. My goal is to get under 175 by the end of March. I want to run the Delaware Marathon on May 17, which is coming up fast. Considering I was barely able to do 3 miles today, I'm going to have to start getting serious. I just signed up to run the 5th Annual Scope It Out 5K, which takes place in DC on Sunday, March 29, and raises money for the Colon Cancer Awareness Foundation. I ran this race last year also.
I weighed myself for the first time in several weeks. It wasn't as bad as I feared. I had only gained 3 pounds -- I weighed in at 183 pounds.
I have been eating so badly, that I decided that I should fast today. All I've had all day is water. I've stuck to the vegetarianism throughout the month of February. The only meat I had was salmon when I went out to a restaurant on two occasions.
Starting today, I'm cutting out the sweets (no more of the apple pie) and I'm going to try to keep up the exercise. My goal is to get under 175 by the end of March. I want to run the Delaware Marathon on May 17, which is coming up fast. Considering I was barely able to do 3 miles today, I'm going to have to start getting serious. I just signed up to run the 5th Annual Scope It Out 5K, which takes place in DC on Sunday, March 29, and raises money for the Colon Cancer Awareness Foundation. I ran this race last year also.
Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!
The following was written on www.wired.com Geekdad blog by Russ Neumeier: It was March 2nd, 1904 that Theodore Seuss Geisel was born in Springfield, Massachusetts. Today we pay tribute to Dr. Seuss' 105th birthday.
While most commonly known for his children's books (he wrote over 60 of them), “Dr.” Seuss was both the editor-in-chief of the college newspaper and also drew more than 400 political cartoons in two years for a New York daily newspaper. It was as a college student at Dartmouth that he started signing his work “Seuss.” Once he graduated, he started signing his work as “Dr. Seuss” when submitting it to a humor magazine. After marrying, he continued to write humor and illustrate. When World War II started, he began his political cartooning. Eventually he designed and illustrated posters to support the war effort, and joined the U.S. Army where he was the leader of the animation department.
Still, it was his children's books that have helped beginning readers and have been enjoyed by families for several generations.
The video is from the Saturday Night Live. It was a tribute by Rev. Jesse Jackson done shortly after Dr. Seuss' death in 1991. Sorry for the poor video quality. Let me know if you find it elsewhere and I will replace it.
Out My Window
inches. The Government is on a 2 hour delay. Our snow shovel is in
storage, so we have to sweep our walk. It is suppose to snow for a
few more hours and end by noon. We haven't had a decent snow in
several years.
100 Facts About Me -- Week 9
This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. Next Monday, I'll disclose which one of the items from this week was false. We're coming down to the wire, as this is the next to last list. Next Monday will be the last 10 items, and I will post the entire list of 100 Facts.
The false item from last week was again #7. I can't type 80 words a minute. I wish I could. Though I took a typing class in high school (I was one of about three boys in my typing class), I never got that speedy.
Here's the ninth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. I received many severe sunburns as a child.
2. As a child, my brother had to take me inside the house when we were camping in our backyard because I was upset that the moon was falling.
3. I sold rocks door to door.
4. I once gave my mother the following hint about a gift all her children, including me, had gone together to buy her: "You cook toast in it."
5. I have gone white water rafting on class 5 rapids in West Virginia.
6. I did not fly on a commercial airline until after I graduated from college and had to go on a business trip while working for the Government.
7. As of this date, I have been to 30 States, though Shane doesn't think I should count Texas since I was only at the airport. I think if you went to the bathroom in a State, it should count.
8. Shane's and my first date was at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum.
9. My best time on BrainTuner is 13.0069 seconds. It is a game on the iPhone that the object is to indicate whether 20 math equations are true or false. My goal in life now is to get a time under 13 seconds.
10. A psychic once told me that I would have a large family, but die before I was 40. I was already over 40 at the time.
11. I've worked in construction, building houses and putting shingles on roofs. I helped build the house my brother lives in.
The false item from last week was again #7. I can't type 80 words a minute. I wish I could. Though I took a typing class in high school (I was one of about three boys in my typing class), I never got that speedy.
Here's the ninth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. I received many severe sunburns as a child.
2. As a child, my brother had to take me inside the house when we were camping in our backyard because I was upset that the moon was falling.
3. I sold rocks door to door.
4. I once gave my mother the following hint about a gift all her children, including me, had gone together to buy her: "You cook toast in it."
5. I have gone white water rafting on class 5 rapids in West Virginia.
6. I did not fly on a commercial airline until after I graduated from college and had to go on a business trip while working for the Government.
7. As of this date, I have been to 30 States, though Shane doesn't think I should count Texas since I was only at the airport. I think if you went to the bathroom in a State, it should count.
8. Shane's and my first date was at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum.
9. My best time on BrainTuner is 13.0069 seconds. It is a game on the iPhone that the object is to indicate whether 20 math equations are true or false. My goal in life now is to get a time under 13 seconds.
10. A psychic once told me that I would have a large family, but die before I was 40. I was already over 40 at the time.
11. I've worked in construction, building houses and putting shingles on roofs. I helped build the house my brother lives in.
Sunday, March 1
Shane Bakes a Pie!
pies. He would like me to point out that is a home-made crust.
Trust me, it is good -- damned good.
RuPaul's Drag Race is New Best Show on TV!
Shane and I have been loving RuPaul's Drag Race, which airs Monday nights on the Logo channel. If you've missed this series, you can still watch all the aired episodes online at Logo. You have to go back and see Miss Tammie Brown, who was my favorite train wreck (trannywreck?) ever. Who else but Ru would make contestants "lipsynch for their lives?" We're rooting for Ongina. Now, I must sashay away!
Another Game Night with Archer and The Boyfriend
night. We first went out to our local Italian restaurant and then
came back to play Cranium (which Shane and I won handily) and Trivial
Pursuit (which ended in a tie -- we both had 5 pieces of pie, but it
was going on 1 am and we all had had enough). We always have a great
time with the boys! I love this photo I took with my iPhone early in
the evening. Aren't they adorable? Check out the Boyfriend's new blog, Two Left Boots.
Saturday, February 28
Washington Post Style Invitational Week #806
This week's challenge is to submit a phrase or sentence that would nip a potential relationship in the bud (or elsewhere).
For more information on entering, go to The Washingtonpost Post website. (The graphic is by Bob Staake for The Washington Post.)
Here are some of my entries:
I just happen to think Barry Manilow is the greatest singer ever.
I assume they are real or else they'd be bigger.
Do you want to see my anal warts?
Before we get too far, I just want to let you know that if we have kids, there is a good chance they will have webbed toes and only a small chance they would have gills.
Friday, February 27
The Washington Post Style Invitational Week 805
Below is the challenge from The Washington Post's "Style Invitational." Each week, the Post has a contest of it's readers' wits. This is this week's contest.------------------------------------------------
By the Empress
(Graphic by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
1. A bad name for a new beauty product.
2. A bad name for a new Web site.
3. A bad name for a new candy bar.
4. A bad name for a new college.
5. A bad name for a new fast-food restaurant.
This week: Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). It's easy to write entries for a contest like this -- writing good entries is another story -- and when we did the same contest 11 years ago with different categories, we got a reported 40,000 entries. That's too many for one Empress to judge. So: No more than 10 entries per category. If you send more, we'll just stop reading after the 10th.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage roll of toilet paper with pictures of Jimmy Carter on it, courtesy of the otherwise courteous and dignified Loser Beverley Sharp.
Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 2. Put "Week 805" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published [in the Washington Post] March 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Below are my submissions to this contest.
A bad name for a new beauty product: Ernest Borgnine Scented Face Mask Cream
A bad name for a new candy bar: Tiger's Wood
A bad name for a new candy bar: Candy Corn Holes
A bad name for new college: The Ann Coulter Charm School
Thursday, February 26
30 Years Ago in Music -- YMCA
30 years ago I was a senior in high school and this song got to Number 2 on the US music charts and Number 1 in the UK. Who wouldn't love these boys sashaying around?
Wednesday, February 25
Forcing Springtime
If you are familiar with this blog, you may have noticed a couple of previous postings about a bunch of sticks I placed in a vase on Valentine's Day. A few days ago, I updated their progress as they began to bud. Now, they are in full bloom. I just think it is cool to force a bit of springtime in the dead of winter.
Tuesday, February 24
The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest # 182
This is the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest cartoon for this week. My caption for this cartoon is below:
"We perfer the term conjoined rather than Siamese."
Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.
Monday, February 23
Hell Week Begins!
As many of you know, I work for a government agency that shall remain nameless, but this week I'm in a class that everyone at my grade level (at this agency) is required to take. This is a class in learning how to develop processes. We're suppose to be networking with the 50 other students and learning about conflicts and validation and lots of other horse shit that I'd rather suffer physical pain than do.
It is unbelievable to me that tax dollars are going to teach these people how to do something they should already know. One of the exercises today involved the instructor (or facilitator) standing in the room and he represented a conflict with your boss. Then we were suppose to position ourselves in the room where we wanted to deal with this conflict. He asked the people standing nearby him why they were standing there. They wanted to deal with conflict head on and confront it. Some people stood far away because they didn't want to deal with conflict.
We had to interview the person next to us and introduce him or her to the class. The person beside me told me he was a cancer survivor. I felt like saying, "you survived cancer to have to sit through this?" You may think I'm over-reacting, but I truly hate doing this kind of crap, especially since it has absolutely nothing to do with my job. I don't develop processes. I just happen to be at the same grade level as these middle managers. If I did develop processes, I surely wouldn't follow this crazy-ass method to develop my process.
Things look like they are only going to get worse as the week goes on. Thankfully, it is only a 4 day class and I have Friday off. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days.
It is unbelievable to me that tax dollars are going to teach these people how to do something they should already know. One of the exercises today involved the instructor (or facilitator) standing in the room and he represented a conflict with your boss. Then we were suppose to position ourselves in the room where we wanted to deal with this conflict. He asked the people standing nearby him why they were standing there. They wanted to deal with conflict head on and confront it. Some people stood far away because they didn't want to deal with conflict.
We had to interview the person next to us and introduce him or her to the class. The person beside me told me he was a cancer survivor. I felt like saying, "you survived cancer to have to sit through this?" You may think I'm over-reacting, but I truly hate doing this kind of crap, especially since it has absolutely nothing to do with my job. I don't develop processes. I just happen to be at the same grade level as these middle managers. If I did develop processes, I surely wouldn't follow this crazy-ass method to develop my process.
Things look like they are only going to get worse as the week goes on. Thankfully, it is only a 4 day class and I have Friday off. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days.
100 Facts About Me -- Week 8
This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. This list is kind of dull, but how many exciting facts can one person have? I'm trying to save a few for the end.
The false item from last week was #7. My high school did not have a talent show, and I was never the ventriloquist dummy in any skit.
Here's the eighth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. My best friend in school from the 7th through the 9th grade moved away and I have never seen him or had contact with him since.
2. I get 208 hours of vacation time each year -- about 5 weeks and 1 day -- and I get every other Friday off (because I work 9 hour days).
3. When I talk to someone I don't know on the phone, they often assume I'm a woman.
4. I have been complimented on my blue eyes.
5. I once stood in line to get the autograph of Grandpa Jones, star of TV's Hee Haw.
6. Our rowhouse in DC is more than 100 years old. It was built in 1905.
7. I can type more than 80 words a minute.
8. The first show I ever saw on Broadway was The Magic Show, which featured the magic of Doug Henning and was written by Stephen Schwartz, who later wrote Wicked.
9. The last show I saw on Broadway, as of this date, was a play called August: Osage County.
10. My minimum retirement age is 56, which means I can retire from my job and draw a pension starting August 3, 2017 -- less than 8 years and 6 months.
11. I have dated someone from Africa.
The false item from last week was #7. My high school did not have a talent show, and I was never the ventriloquist dummy in any skit.
Here's the eighth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. My best friend in school from the 7th through the 9th grade moved away and I have never seen him or had contact with him since.
2. I get 208 hours of vacation time each year -- about 5 weeks and 1 day -- and I get every other Friday off (because I work 9 hour days).
3. When I talk to someone I don't know on the phone, they often assume I'm a woman.
4. I have been complimented on my blue eyes.
5. I once stood in line to get the autograph of Grandpa Jones, star of TV's Hee Haw.
6. Our rowhouse in DC is more than 100 years old. It was built in 1905.
7. I can type more than 80 words a minute.
8. The first show I ever saw on Broadway was The Magic Show, which featured the magic of Doug Henning and was written by Stephen Schwartz, who later wrote Wicked.
9. The last show I saw on Broadway, as of this date, was a play called August: Osage County.
10. My minimum retirement age is 56, which means I can retire from my job and draw a pension starting August 3, 2017 -- less than 8 years and 6 months.
11. I have dated someone from Africa.
Saturday, February 21
DVD Recorder/VCR Installed
movies on VHS tape that I want to put on DVD. I can't tell you how
many hours I've spent trying to connect the damn thing to our TV. The
main problem is that the way our TV is mounted to the wall, I can't
access the back of the TV. It has been VERY frustrating. I was very
close to packing the whole mess up and taking it back. Today,
however, I finally figured it out. Praise Jesus!
Friday, February 20
Forcing Forsythia -- Not Just a Bunch of Sticks
My forsythia sticks are starting to bud. When I first put these in a vase, they didn't look like much more than a bunch of sticks. In a short time, they will be blooming like springtime.
Thursday, February 19
Wednesday, February 18
John and Yoko on the Mike Douglas Show 1972
This is one of the most surreal videos I have ever seen. Mike Douglas has the audacity to sing Michelle to open the show like only he (or Merv Griffin) could sing it. If you look up the definition of train wreck in the dictionary, this is the clip to which they refer you. I love that John and Yoko announce the list of guest at beginning of the show, including Louie Nye. It is also interesting when they talk about having Ralph Nader on and how it would be great if he ran for political office. I find this whole thing beyond bizarre.
Tuesday, February 17
The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest #181
Here's another try at the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest for this week.My caption for this cartoon is below:
"With the current stimulus package, we can only build the infrastructure."
Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.
Monday, February 16
100 Facts About Me -- Week 7
This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. I had been offering a fabulous prize if you guessed correctly, but I feel that has soiled the 100 Facts About Me concept -- somehow made it dirty and bad. I apologize for making this wholesome and beautiful thing into something trite and disgusting.
Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. The false item from last week was #5. I never jumped off a roof using a bed sheet as a parachute. The other 10 items I listed were true.
Here's the seventh list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. My favorite ice cream flavor is Baskin-Robbins German Chocolate Cake.
2. I once owned a dark green Mazda Miata. Someone crashed into the back of it one day when I was stopped.
3. At one time, I had more than $14,000 in credit card debt. I now pay off my full balance each month.
4. I currently do not own a car. Our Honda CRV is owned by Shane.
5. At work, I have an interior office with no windows. However, I do have a TV.
6. I once stabbed myself in the leg with a hunting arrow.
7. I performed in my high school talent show doing a ventriloquism act -- I was the dummy.
8. I'm currently 20 years older than the age my father lived to be.
9. I used to have two cats -- one named Lucy and and the other named Ethel.
10. The first major I declared in college was Accounting.
11. I was in the 4-H. My projects included photography and dog obedience.
Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. The false item from last week was #5. I never jumped off a roof using a bed sheet as a parachute. The other 10 items I listed were true.
Here's the seventh list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. My favorite ice cream flavor is Baskin-Robbins German Chocolate Cake.
2. I once owned a dark green Mazda Miata. Someone crashed into the back of it one day when I was stopped.
3. At one time, I had more than $14,000 in credit card debt. I now pay off my full balance each month.
4. I currently do not own a car. Our Honda CRV is owned by Shane.
5. At work, I have an interior office with no windows. However, I do have a TV.
6. I once stabbed myself in the leg with a hunting arrow.
7. I performed in my high school talent show doing a ventriloquism act -- I was the dummy.
8. I'm currently 20 years older than the age my father lived to be.
9. I used to have two cats -- one named Lucy and and the other named Ethel.
10. The first major I declared in college was Accounting.
11. I was in the 4-H. My projects included photography and dog obedience.
Sunday, February 15
Saturday, February 14
Not Just Sticks
some forsythia (try saying that without lisping). The plan is that
they will bloom in a few days. I cut them from a bush in my mom's
backyard.
Friday, February 13
Bugaboo Hubabaloo
eat. She wanted to go here for some reason. We called ahead for
their call ahead seating. They said there was no wait, which I
thought was surprising for a Friday night. When we got there, about
30 minutes later, they said the wait was 45-50 minutes.
We waited and got seated in about 30 minutes. The place was loud,
crowded, and tacky. I was trying to be a vegetarian, but the have no
meatless items on the menu. I had salmon. It was pretty good.
Thursday, February 12
HAPPY DARWIN DAY!
I was glad to see Google acknowledge Darwin Day with "Darwin Finches" as part of their logo. An anonymous poster explained to me today that the finches "are evidence of Intelligent Design and not evolution." The anonymous poster continues that "all the finches have the same DNA/genes, so there is no "evolution" from one beak sized bird to another. Designed in the finch is a regulator in the brain that releases the appropriate amount of protein to cause the beak to grown long or short. The same finch can have either a long or short beak - what an Intelligent Design."I, of course, disagree that this is any proof of intelligent design. I'm not sure why this trait, since it works so well, isn't just part of the evolution of the species. Anyhow, if it makes them feel better to think that some being designed finches to work that way, who am I to rain on their parade. I just roll my eyes.
To celebrate Darwin Day, I took the day off work, which turned out to give me a 5 day weekend. Friday is my regular day off and Monday is Presidents' Day. To celebrate, I'm taking Shane out to dinner tonight. Shane had to work and is very jealous I'm off today and tomorrow.
Today, I went and got another estimate on my car repair. I found a place that was highly rated on Angie's List and they gave me the lowest price yet, so I think I'm going with them. I dented the back of the car in a bit when I went to the local grocery store to buy a case of wine. That turned out to be the most expensive wine I've ever purchased. The repair estimate is $550.
I also got my haircut and bought some Valentine's cards. And, I bought myself a little present at Best Buy. I got a DVD recorder/VCR, because I have a bunch of old home movies on VHS tapes I need to convert to DVD before they disintegrate.
I hope everyone is doing something special for Darwin Day. Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Abe too.
Wednesday, February 11
Rainbow Connection by the Dixie Chicks
I included this song in a playlist I compiled for my boss's baby shower we had today. Her partner and their 3-year-old daughter also attended. Her partner is the one having the baby. It was very cool that nobody seemed to care they were a same-sex couple. At my office, nobody seems to care I have a picture on my desk of Shane and I. I appreciate how much things have changed. I could never imagine being out at work and having it be a non-issue. It's great and I know I'm lucky.
Tuesday, February 10
I'm All About the Free Stuff
I used to always order stuff from the back of comic books when I was a kid and I loved getting those books that told you ways to get free stuff. I loved getting the mail and I loved when there was something with my name on it in the mail. It was always junk that you would get, but it was fun getting anything. I got brochures and posters and lots of free samples of dog food and shampoo. 
Now, you don't need a book to tell yo how to get free junk. There is the Internet. Just type in free whatever into Google and there you go. For instance, today I typed in "free t-shirt" and found http://petrix.com/shirt/. Apparently, they give away shirts with logos they goofed up. You just give them your name and address, and in a few short weeks, they send you a free shirt in the mail -- with free shipping. You can't beat that. It will be something I can wear to the gym. I love the Internet!
How to Win the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest
A champion reveals the recipe for victory. By Patrick House -- Slate magazine --Updated Monday, June 2, 2008, at 5:02 PM ET
Today I can finally update my résumé to include "Writer, The New Yorker." Yes, I won The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, and I'm going to tell you how I did it. These observations have been culled from months of research and are guaranteed to help you win, too. (Note from Slate's lawyers: Observations not guaranteed to help you win.)
Most people who look at the winners of the caption contest say, "I could've done better than that." You're right. You could have. But that doesn't mean you could've won the caption contest—it just means you could've done better. And if your goal is not to win the caption contest, why bother entering? There is one mantra to take from this article, worth its own line break:
You are not trying to submit the funniest caption; you are trying to win The New Yorker's caption contest.
Humor and victory are different matters entirely. To understand what makes the perfect caption, you must start with the readership. Paging through The New Yorker is a lonesome withdrawal, not a group activity. The reader is isolated and introspective, probably on the train commuting to work. He suffers from urban ennui. He does not make eye contact. Laughing out loud is, in this context, an unseemly act sure to draw unwanted attention. To avoid this, your caption should elicit, at best, a mild chuckle. The first filter for your caption should be: Is it too funny? Will it make anyone laugh out loud? If so, throw it out and work on a less funny one.
Next you need to know the selection process. The first line of defense at The New Yorker is the cartoon editor's assistant, a twentysomething from Texas named Farley Katz. The cartoon assistant reads every single caption—at least 6,000 per week—and passes his favorite 50 or so to the editors, who narrow the list down to three. If you don't make it past Farley, you will never get your name in print. Knowing how he thinks is crucial. The astute captioner will note that he used to be a rollercoaster operator at Six Flags and a telemarketer. He is an outsider who has never trod in the cemented garden he protects. He had to look up "urban ennui" when he arrived in New York—he didn't learn it riding the subway for 25 years. Exploit the fact that Farley is working off the same stereotypes of The New Yorker readership as you are.
Now that you know your gatekeeper, it's time for some advanced joke theory. Should you make a pun or, perhaps, create a visual gag about a cat surreptitiously reading its owner's e-mail? Neither. You must aim for what is called a "theory of mind" caption, which requires the reader to project intents or beliefs into the minds of the cartoon's characters. An exemplary New Yorker theory of mind caption (accompanying a cartoon of a police officer ticketing a caveman with a large wheel): "Yeah, yeah—and I invented the ticket." The humor here requires inference about the caveman's beliefs and intentions as he (presumably) explains to the cop that he invented the wheel. A non-theory-of-mind caption (accompanying a cartoon of a bird wearing a thong), however, requires no such projection: "It's a thongbird." Theory of mind captions make for higher-order jokes easily distinguished from the simian puns and visual gags that litter the likes of MAD Magazine. To date, 136 out of the 145 caption contest winners (94 percent) fall into the "theory of mind" category.
People read The New Yorker to stay on top of the cultural world if they happen to be smart or—if they're just faking it—in the hope of receiving some sort of osmotic transfer of IQ if they hold the magazine tight enough. Nobody wants to feel that The New Yorker is above them, and the last thing they need is to have a cartoon joke go over their heads, lest they write a whole Seinfeld episode about it. Everyone must get your joke. Use common, simple, monosyllabic words. Steer clear of proper nouns that could potentially alienate. If you must use proper nouns, make them universally recognizable to urban Americans. Excepting first names, only nine proper nouns have ever appeared in a winning caption: Batmobile, Comanche, Roswell, Hell, Surrealism, Tylenol, Bud Light, Frankenstein, Kansas Board of Education. You get the idea. Keep it lowercase, keep it simple.
If you heed these instructions, maybe one day you will get a call from Farley and find yourself a finalist. Now what do you do? First, I Googled my fellow finalists: a legislative director in New York and a public-affairs director in Seattle. Clearly 9-to-5 types, at a loss for time, who would be unable to take advantage of the fact that the contest is decided by an online vote. You can and must do better, preferably by launching a full-scale viral marketing campaign. E-mail everyone you know. Create a Facebook group. Call in longstanding debts. It helps if, like me, you have no shame. I had musicians pitching me at their shows, professors pitching me in their lecture halls, and old ladies at cafes pitching me to their grandnieces. Kiss babies, shake hands, and play to win.
It also helps, of course, if you have the best entry. And I did. Here's the cartoon.
My winning caption: "O.K. I'm at the window. To the right? Your right or my right?"
Mildly amusing at best? Check. Theory of mind? Check. Proper nouns? Nope. And what better archetype of urban ennui could there be than a man in a cardigan holding a drink, yapping on his cell phone while blissfully unaware of looming dangers? A very similar cartoon by Jack Kirby from 1962—similar enough to lead the New York Post to shout plagiarism—has the person inside the window frightened and cowering, sans drink, glasses, or phone. But that was 50 years ago, and drudge and complacency have settled on the urban landscape sometime between now and then. You must look for these themes in your cartoon and pounce.
I will stop analyzing now, in deference to Seinfeld's New Yorker gospel: "Cartoons are like gossamer, and one doesn't dissect gossamer." But what does Jerry know, really? He may have a hit show, millions of dollars, and a beautiful wife, but he has never won The New Yorker caption contest. But I have. I have dissected gossamer. And now you can, too. Good luck.
Today I can finally update my résumé to include "Writer, The New Yorker." Yes, I won The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, and I'm going to tell you how I did it. These observations have been culled from months of research and are guaranteed to help you win, too. (Note from Slate's lawyers: Observations not guaranteed to help you win.)
Most people who look at the winners of the caption contest say, "I could've done better than that." You're right. You could have. But that doesn't mean you could've won the caption contest—it just means you could've done better. And if your goal is not to win the caption contest, why bother entering? There is one mantra to take from this article, worth its own line break:
You are not trying to submit the funniest caption; you are trying to win The New Yorker's caption contest.
Humor and victory are different matters entirely. To understand what makes the perfect caption, you must start with the readership. Paging through The New Yorker is a lonesome withdrawal, not a group activity. The reader is isolated and introspective, probably on the train commuting to work. He suffers from urban ennui. He does not make eye contact. Laughing out loud is, in this context, an unseemly act sure to draw unwanted attention. To avoid this, your caption should elicit, at best, a mild chuckle. The first filter for your caption should be: Is it too funny? Will it make anyone laugh out loud? If so, throw it out and work on a less funny one.
Next you need to know the selection process. The first line of defense at The New Yorker is the cartoon editor's assistant, a twentysomething from Texas named Farley Katz. The cartoon assistant reads every single caption—at least 6,000 per week—and passes his favorite 50 or so to the editors, who narrow the list down to three. If you don't make it past Farley, you will never get your name in print. Knowing how he thinks is crucial. The astute captioner will note that he used to be a rollercoaster operator at Six Flags and a telemarketer. He is an outsider who has never trod in the cemented garden he protects. He had to look up "urban ennui" when he arrived in New York—he didn't learn it riding the subway for 25 years. Exploit the fact that Farley is working off the same stereotypes of The New Yorker readership as you are.
Now that you know your gatekeeper, it's time for some advanced joke theory. Should you make a pun or, perhaps, create a visual gag about a cat surreptitiously reading its owner's e-mail? Neither. You must aim for what is called a "theory of mind" caption, which requires the reader to project intents or beliefs into the minds of the cartoon's characters. An exemplary New Yorker theory of mind caption (accompanying a cartoon of a police officer ticketing a caveman with a large wheel): "Yeah, yeah—and I invented the ticket." The humor here requires inference about the caveman's beliefs and intentions as he (presumably) explains to the cop that he invented the wheel. A non-theory-of-mind caption (accompanying a cartoon of a bird wearing a thong), however, requires no such projection: "It's a thongbird." Theory of mind captions make for higher-order jokes easily distinguished from the simian puns and visual gags that litter the likes of MAD Magazine. To date, 136 out of the 145 caption contest winners (94 percent) fall into the "theory of mind" category.
People read The New Yorker to stay on top of the cultural world if they happen to be smart or—if they're just faking it—in the hope of receiving some sort of osmotic transfer of IQ if they hold the magazine tight enough. Nobody wants to feel that The New Yorker is above them, and the last thing they need is to have a cartoon joke go over their heads, lest they write a whole Seinfeld episode about it. Everyone must get your joke. Use common, simple, monosyllabic words. Steer clear of proper nouns that could potentially alienate. If you must use proper nouns, make them universally recognizable to urban Americans. Excepting first names, only nine proper nouns have ever appeared in a winning caption: Batmobile, Comanche, Roswell, Hell, Surrealism, Tylenol, Bud Light, Frankenstein, Kansas Board of Education. You get the idea. Keep it lowercase, keep it simple.
If you heed these instructions, maybe one day you will get a call from Farley and find yourself a finalist. Now what do you do? First, I Googled my fellow finalists: a legislative director in New York and a public-affairs director in Seattle. Clearly 9-to-5 types, at a loss for time, who would be unable to take advantage of the fact that the contest is decided by an online vote. You can and must do better, preferably by launching a full-scale viral marketing campaign. E-mail everyone you know. Create a Facebook group. Call in longstanding debts. It helps if, like me, you have no shame. I had musicians pitching me at their shows, professors pitching me in their lecture halls, and old ladies at cafes pitching me to their grandnieces. Kiss babies, shake hands, and play to win.
It also helps, of course, if you have the best entry. And I did. Here's the cartoon.
My winning caption: "O.K. I'm at the window. To the right? Your right or my right?"
Mildly amusing at best? Check. Theory of mind? Check. Proper nouns? Nope. And what better archetype of urban ennui could there be than a man in a cardigan holding a drink, yapping on his cell phone while blissfully unaware of looming dangers? A very similar cartoon by Jack Kirby from 1962—similar enough to lead the New York Post to shout plagiarism—has the person inside the window frightened and cowering, sans drink, glasses, or phone. But that was 50 years ago, and drudge and complacency have settled on the urban landscape sometime between now and then. You must look for these themes in your cartoon and pounce.
I will stop analyzing now, in deference to Seinfeld's New Yorker gospel: "Cartoons are like gossamer, and one doesn't dissect gossamer." But what does Jerry know, really? He may have a hit show, millions of dollars, and a beautiful wife, but he has never won The New Yorker caption contest. But I have. I have dissected gossamer. And now you can, too. Good luck.
Monday, February 9
100 Facts About Me Contest -- Week 3
This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me and third week of the t-shirt contest. Frankly, I can't give the t-shirt away. I must be a very good liar. Nobody guessed the correct fact that was a lie last week.
Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. If you can guess which fact is not true, you can win a Running With Blue Sponge t-shirt. If more than one person guesses correctly (which would be a miracle), there will be a random drawing for the winner.
Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. Each person may only make one guess. Leave a comment or send an email to runningwithbluesponge@gmail.com.
The false item from last week was #8. I never shaved my head because of a co-worker undergoing chemotherapy. I totally would do that, if the situation called for it, but I haven't. The other 10 items I listed were true.
Here's the sixth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. My little finger on my right hand is shorter than my other pinky, and it has hair growing on the palm side (feel free to throw up).
2. I met Shane online.
3. I had the mumps.
4. I've sold seeds door-to-door.
5. As a child, I jumped off the roof of my house holding a bed sheet as a parachute.
6. I have college credit in Bowling.
7. A former babysitter of mine got a bit of a crush on me when I became of age, but while I was still living at home with my mother. She threw pebbles at my bedroom window so I'd meet her in the backyard late one night. It didn't really work out for her.
8. Shane and I have traveled to the Union of Myanmar (Burma).
9. While in elementary school, I had to go to a speech therapist to help correct my lisp.
10. I've taught a class in candlemaking.
11. I bite my nails.
Sunday, February 8
Love Will Prevail
This is a beautiful video of couples getting married in California. It breaks my heart that bigots are wasting their time trying to stop the inevitable.
Saturday, February 7
Coming Clean
clean-up today. I took all of our blankets that got filthy over the
last 4 weeks, along with all our other laundry to the laudromat. Our
washer is a mini and can't handle blankets. Shane stayed home and
cleaned. I came home and cleaned. We cleaned all damn day and we
have more to clean tomorrow.
Friday, February 6
Bathroom Remodel -- It's Finished!
They said it would never be done, but it is just about done. We found a few flaws they need to fix still. The drain stop in the sink doesn't work. They forgot to put the fixture over the recessed light in the shower. They need to fix some other minor stuff. But, it is pretty much done. Yahoo!
I love the black stripe below the chair rail in the shower. Sometimes mistakes can turn out well.
Thursday, February 5
Wednesday, February 4
The Street Where We Live
street we live on. It is very residential for being about a mile from
the Capitol. I'd say about a third of the households on our block are
gay. The people are friendly and it is a great place to live. Just a
couple of blocks from our house is Barracks Row with lots of nice
restaurants. I remember about 15 years ago when this neighborhood was
downright scary. It has turned around much since then and a bunch
since we moved here 6 years ago. Our 6 year anniversary in this house
was Saturday. The patiotic garland in the tree next door is left over
from the inauguration celebration.
Tuesday, February 3
New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest #180
Here's another try at the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest for this week.
My caption for this cartoon is below:
I'm so not sure about this "cruise with a dead celebrity" idea of yours. Is this fruit even sanitary?
Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.
Monday, February 2
100 Facts About Me T-Shirt Contest - Week 2
This is another installment of the 100 Facts about me and second week of the t-shirt contest. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. The first person that guesses which fact is not true wins a Running With Blue Sponge t-shirt. Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. Each person may only make one guess. Leave a comment or send an e-mail to RunningWithBlueSponge@gmail.com.
The false item from last week was #5. I was never in the movie Diner. The other 10 items I listed were true. Nobody guessed correctly.
Archer, from Archer Radio, thought it was hard to believe that I wrote a country song. I've written a couple country songs, mostly to prove that it isn't that difficult to write a country song. One of my songs was called, "My Woman Has Got B.O." It is about a man who marries the woman of his dreams only to find out later that she has a glandular problem. I didn't say it was a good country song.
Here's the fifth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:
1. I played the trombone in my elementary school band.
2. I was in my high school senior class play about a train wreck (that was indeed a train wreck).
3. I got a C in Chorus class in high school because, according to my teacher, my voice was changing.
4. On the night of my senior prom, I had a job babysitting.
5. I was very disappointed with the x-ray glasses I sent away for from the back of a comic book.
6. I was not aware of the concept of homosexuality until I was 11 when I saw a TV news story on the subject, which I thought was hilarious.
7. I've taught classes at my church's vacation bible school.
8. Along with several other co-workers, I once shaved my head when a colleague lost her hair while undergoing chemotherapy.
9. I had to go to the emergency room once with what I thought a an appendicitis attack, but it turned out to be kidney stones.
10. I'm a grocery checker school graduate.
11. I lettered in tennis at college.
Sunday, February 1
A Taste of Spring
It was a beautiful day here in DC today. The temperature, according to the bank temperature sign was 63 degrees in the dead of winter. It was a nice day for a walk. I walked down on the National Mall toward the Washington Monument. It was a lot less crowded than the last time I walked down there -- on inauguration day. I had run 4 days in a row, so I was taking the weekend off, but I did walk quite a ways. I stopped in the National Arboretum, primarily because I had to go to the bathroom. I took a few pictures inside. It's amazing the stuff that we take for granted that are free and just down the street.
The warm weather brought out the joggers, which also can be fun to look at. Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of them.
Saturday, January 31
Now I Remember Why We Don't Go to the Movies
It has been months and months since Shane and I went to the movies. I can't remember the last movie we saw in the theater. Today we went downtown to see Doubt. Of course Meryl Streep was amazing and Philip Seymour Hoffman was excellent. All the actors were very good. However, I wasn't crazy about the story. I was expecting something more to happen and it never did. After it was over, I was feeling like, is that all? I just felt like it was missing something.
What I haven't missed was seeing a movie in the theater. I think seeing a movie with a room full of strangers can be a good experience, but it can drive me crazy. I should be happy there was nobody sitting nearby using their cell phone. The theater is underground, so it may be difficult to get a signal. I have been to movies where people do talk on the phone. They should burn in hell.
Today, we got to the theater early and found seats in the back row. I like to sit in the back. It prevents having to listen to people behind you chit chatting because they don't realize they are not in their living room.
Two ladies sat on my left. Shane sat to my right. The ladies they put their coats on their chairs and left. The theater was very small and filling up fast. Then the lights dimmed and they started showing previews and the the ladies had not returned to their seats. People started asking me if those seats were taken. I just said that two ladies left their coats there and I assume they would be back. They would shrug and continued searching in the dark for empty seats.
The ladies finally returned with lots of snacks and drinks. Then they proceeded to eat throughout the first half of the film. There were wrappings to open and popcorn to munch. They were constantly moving -- getting something out of their purse or searching for something or other. Multiply that by everyone else around me. Can't people just sit still and watch a movie? It makes me feel like an old woman to complain about such silliness, but I do. We might go to the movies again tomorrow.
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