New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest #183

This is the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest cartoon for this week. My caption for this cartoon is below:
"That's a relief. For a second, I thought that was my husband's car."

Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.

Don't Treadmill on Me

This is me on the treadmill at the gym at work -- sorry for the blurriness; it isn't easy taking a photo of yourself while running on a treadmill. It has been more than 2 weeks since I've been on the contraption -- before Valentine's Day. I got a cold and just didn't have the energy to go to the gym. Then I was at that class last week, which resulted in me eating sweets galore. How can I not eat free desserts? This past weekend, we had Archer and the Boyfriend over and out to eat. Believe me, there was lots of food and wine consumed. Today was the first day back at the gym.

I weighed myself for the first time in several weeks. It wasn't as bad as I feared. I had only gained 3 pounds -- I weighed in at 183 pounds.

I have been eating so badly, that I decided that I should fast today. All I've had all day is water. I've stuck to the vegetarianism throughout the month of February. The only meat I had was salmon when I went out to a restaurant on two occasions.

Starting today, I'm cutting out the sweets (no more of the apple pie) and I'm going to try to keep up the exercise. My goal is to get under 175 by the end of March. I want to run the Delaware Marathon on May 17, which is coming up fast. Considering I was barely able to do 3 miles today, I'm going to have to start getting serious. I just signed up to run the 5th Annual Scope It Out 5K, which takes place in DC on Sunday, March 29, and raises money for the Colon Cancer Awareness Foundation. I ran this race last year also.

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!

The following was written on www.wired.com Geekdad blog by Russ Neumeier: It was March 2nd, 1904 that Theodore Seuss Geisel was born in Springfield, Massachusetts. Today we pay tribute to Dr. Seuss' 105th birthday.

While most commonly known for his children's books (he wrote over 60 of them), “Dr.” Seuss was both the editor-in-chief of the college newspaper and also drew more than 400 political cartoons in two years for a New York daily newspaper. It was as a college student at Dartmouth that he started signing his work “Seuss.” Once he graduated, he started signing his work as “Dr. Seuss” when submitting it to a humor magazine. After marrying, he continued to write humor and illustrate. When World War II started, he began his political cartooning. Eventually he designed and illustrated posters to support the war effort, and joined the U.S. Army where he was the leader of the animation department.

Still, it was his children's books that have helped beginning readers and have been enjoyed by families for several generations.

The video is from the Saturday Night Live. It was a tribute by Rev. Jesse Jackson done shortly after Dr. Seuss' death in 1991. Sorry for the poor video quality. Let me know if you find it elsewhere and I will replace it.

Out My Window -- A Different Angle

That's our CR-V in the lower left corner.

Out My Window

There actually was a snowstorm last night. We're suppose to get 4-5
inches. The Government is on a 2 hour delay. Our snow shovel is in
storage, so we have to sweep our walk. It is suppose to snow for a
few more hours and end by noon. We haven't had a decent snow in
several years.

100 Facts About Me -- Week 9

This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. Next Monday, I'll disclose which one of the items from this week was false. We're coming down to the wire, as this is the next to last list. Next Monday will be the last 10 items, and I will post the entire list of 100 Facts.

The false item from last week was again #7. I can't type 80 words a minute. I wish I could. Though I took a typing class in high school (I was one of about three boys in my typing class), I never got that speedy.

Here's the ninth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:

1. I received many severe sunburns as a child.  

2. As a child, my brother had to take me inside the house when we were camping in our backyard because I was upset that the moon was falling.

3.  I sold rocks door to door. 

4. I once gave my mother the following hint about a gift all her children, including me, had gone together to buy her: "You cook toast in it."

5. I have gone white water rafting on class 5 rapids in West Virginia. 

6. I did not fly on a commercial airline until after I graduated from college and had to go on a business trip while working for the Government.

7. As of this date, I have been to 30 States, though Shane doesn't think I should count Texas since I was only at the airport. I think if you went to the bathroom in a State, it should count.

8. Shane's and my first date was at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum.

9.  My best time on BrainTuner is 13.0069 seconds.  It is a game on the iPhone that the object is to indicate whether 20 math equations are true or false.  My goal in life now is to get a time under 13 seconds. 

10.  A psychic once told me that I would have a large family, but die before I was 40.  I was already over 40 at the time. 

11.  I've worked in construction, building houses and putting shingles on roofs.  I helped build the house my brother lives in. 

Shane Bakes a Pie!

A snowstorm is heading our way and Shane baked one of his famous apple
pies. He would like me to point out that is a home-made crust.
Trust me, it is good -- damned good.

RuPaul's Drag Race is New Best Show on TV!

More Gay & Lesbian Videos At LogoOnline.com

More Gay & Lesbian Video At LogoOnline.com

Shane and I have been loving RuPaul's Drag Race, which airs Monday nights on the Logo channel. If you've missed this series, you can still watch all the aired episodes online at Logo. You have to go back and see Miss Tammie Brown, who was my favorite train wreck (trannywreck?) ever. Who else but Ru would make contestants "lipsynch for their lives?" We're rooting for Ongina. Now, I must sashay away!

Another Game Night with Archer and The Boyfriend

Last night, Archer and the Boyfriend came over for another game
night. We first went out to our local Italian restaurant and then
came back to play Cranium (which Shane and I won handily) and Trivial
Pursuit (which ended in a tie -- we both had 5 pieces of pie, but it
was going on 1 am and we all had had enough). We always have a great
time with the boys! I love this photo I took with my iPhone early in
the evening. Aren't they adorable?  Check out the Boyfriend's new blog, Two Left Boots. 

Washington Post Style Invitational Week #806

This week's challenge is to submit a phrase or sentence that would nip a potential relationship in the bud (or elsewhere).

For more information on entering, go to The Washingtonpost Post website. (The graphic is by Bob Staake for The Washington Post.)

Here are some of my entries:

I just happen to think Barry Manilow is the greatest singer ever.

I assume they are real or else they'd be bigger.

Do you want to see my anal warts?

Before we get too far, I just want to let you know that if we have kids, there is a good chance they will have webbed toes and only a small chance they would have gills.

The Washington Post Style Invitational Week 805

Below is the challenge from The Washington Post's "Style Invitational." Each week, the Post has a contest of it's readers' wits. This is this week's contest.

------------------------------------------------
By the Empress

(Graphic by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

1. A bad name for a new beauty product.
2. A bad name for a new Web site.
3. A bad name for a new candy bar.
4. A bad name for a new college.
5. A bad name for a new fast-food restaurant.

This week: Give us an original name in any of the above categories (not an actual badly named product). It's easy to write entries for a contest like this -- writing good entries is another story -- and when we did the same contest 11 years ago with different categories, we got a reported 40,000 entries. That's too many for one Empress to judge. So: No more than 10 entries per category. If you send more, we'll just stop reading after the 10th.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a vintage roll of toilet paper with pictures of Jimmy Carter on it, courtesy of the otherwise courteous and dignified Loser Beverley Sharp.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week.

Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 2. Put "Week 805" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published [in the Washington Post] March 21. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.

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Below are my submissions to this contest.

A bad name for a new beauty product: Ernest Borgnine Scented Face Mask Cream

A bad name for a new candy bar: Tiger's Wood

A bad name for a new candy bar: Candy Corn Holes

A bad name for new college: The Ann Coulter Charm School

30 Years Ago in Music -- YMCA

30 years ago I was a senior in high school and this song got to Number 2 on the US music charts and Number 1 in the UK. Who wouldn't love these boys sashaying around?

Forcing Springtime

If you are familiar with this blog, you may have noticed a couple of previous postings about a bunch of sticks I placed in a vase on Valentine's Day. A few days ago, I updated their progress as they began to bud. Now, they are in full bloom. I just think it is cool to force a bit of springtime in the dead of winter.

The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest # 182

This is the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest cartoon for this week. My caption for this cartoon is below:

"We perfer the term conjoined rather than Siamese."

Let me know if you come up with a caption too. Click on the link above to enter.

Hell Week Begins!

As many of you know, I work for a government agency that shall remain nameless, but this week I'm in a class that everyone at my grade level (at this agency) is required to take. This is a class in learning how to develop processes. We're suppose to be networking with the 50 other students and learning about conflicts and validation and lots of other horse shit that I'd rather suffer physical pain than do.

It is unbelievable to me that tax dollars are going to teach these people how to do something they should already know. One of the exercises today involved the instructor (or facilitator) standing in the room and he represented a conflict with your boss. Then we were suppose to position ourselves in the room where we wanted to deal with this conflict. He asked the people standing nearby him why they were standing there. They wanted to deal with conflict head on and confront it. Some people stood far away because they didn't want to deal with conflict.

We had to interview the person next to us and introduce him or her to the class. The person beside me told me he was a cancer survivor. I felt like saying, "you survived cancer to have to sit through this?" You may think I'm over-reacting, but I truly hate doing this kind of crap, especially since it has absolutely nothing to do with my job. I don't develop processes. I just happen to be at the same grade level as these middle managers. If I did develop processes, I surely wouldn't follow this crazy-ass method to develop my process.

Things look like they are only going to get worse as the week goes on. Thankfully, it is only a 4 day class and I have Friday off. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days. Only 3 more days.

100 Facts About Me -- Week 8

This is yet another installment of the 100 Facts about me. Each week (until the list totals 100) I post 11 items, 10 of which are true and one that is not. Try and guess which fact is not true. Next Monday, I'll post 10 more facts and one non-fact next and disclose which one of the items from this week was false. This list is kind of dull, but how many exciting facts can one person have? I'm trying to save a few for the end.

The false item from last week was #7. My high school did not have a talent show, and I was never the ventriloquist dummy in any skit.

Here's the eighth list of 10 facts and one non-fact:

1. My best friend in school from the 7th through the 9th grade moved away and I have never seen him or had contact with him since.

2. I get 208 hours of vacation time each year -- about 5 weeks and 1 day -- and I get every other Friday off (because I work 9 hour days).

3. When I talk to someone I don't know on the phone, they often assume I'm a woman.

4. I have been complimented on my blue eyes.

5. I once stood in line to get the autograph of Grandpa Jones, star of TV's Hee Haw.

6. Our rowhouse in DC is more than 100 years old. It was built in 1905.

7. I can type more than 80 words a minute.

8. The first show I ever saw on Broadway was The Magic Show, which featured the magic of Doug Henning and was written by Stephen Schwartz, who later wrote Wicked.

9. The last show I saw on Broadway, as of this date, was a play called August: Osage County.

10. My minimum retirement age is 56, which means I can retire from my job and draw a pension starting August 3, 2017 -- less than 8 years and 6 months.

11. I have dated someone from Africa.

DVD Recorder/VCR Installed

Last week I bought a DVD Recorder/VCR because I have lots of home
movies on VHS tape that I want to put on DVD. I can't tell you how
many hours I've spent trying to connect the damn thing to our TV. The
main problem is that the way our TV is mounted to the wall, I can't
access the back of the TV. It has been VERY frustrating. I was very
close to packing the whole mess up and taking it back. Today,
however, I finally figured it out. Praise Jesus!

Forcing Forsythia -- Not Just a Bunch of Sticks

My forsythia sticks are starting to bud.  When I first put these in a vase, they didn't look like much more than a bunch of sticks.  In a short time, they will be blooming like springtime.

 

The Credit Crisis Explained

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

All Time Presidential Rankings C-Span 2009 - Bush Isn't the Worst?